You Might as Well Chop It Off Yourself and Feed It to the Pigs
After Rong Hua came by with news this time, Ling Li finally seemed to pull himself together a little. Even so, melancholy still frequently clouded his features. Whenever he had even a bit of free time, he would sit by the table in a daze, staring blankly into space, no one knowing what he was thinking about.
Su Jingyang continued sleeping beside Lingli each night, though he still returned to his own room when the five-day mark approached. Even knowing that the system wouldn’t allow Ling Li to notice his sudden disappearance in the middle of the night, lying back down beside Ling Li after everything was over still made him feel deeply uncomfortable.
During this period, System #1 finally appeared briefly once, answering some of the questions Su Jingyang had been accumulating.
Su Jingyang’s first question was whether that person in the dreams occasionally possessed independent awareness. Otherwise, how could he get angry and sulky? During the first two times, he had even repeatedly tried to use his hands to trace and memorize Su Jingyang’s facial features, though Su Jingyang had dodged every attempt in the end.
System #1 told him this was absolutely impossible.
“He doesn’t have independent consciousness. He’s still fully controlled and acting strictly according to instructions. His willpower is simply very strong, which is why some instinctive personality reactions and behaviors surface. You can rest assured, though. Even if he sensed your facial contours at the time, he won’t remember them after waking up.”
Su Jingyang felt suffocated inside. “That means… even if he realizes that this once-every-five-days dream is wrong, wants to refuse and resist, he still can only obey the system’s commands, right?”
“Yes.”
Su Jingyang’s gaze went blank, his chest tight with discomfort. “I’ve been resisting him this whole time. Maybe after he wakes up, he even feels disgusted by me. In the end, I’m the one who dragged someone else into this.”
System #1 said, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Su Jingyang tugged at the corner of his mouth. “If saying sorry could send me back to my original world, I’d say it back to you ten thousand times, a hundred thousand times without hesitation.”
System #1 fell silent for a long while before speaking with heavy concern. “Our original intention was to help those who needed help, to listen to their wishes, and to solve their problems. We never imagined it would turn into a weapon that harms others instead. What makes me even more uneasy is that it’s no longer just overcorrection or extremity.
It’s become pure venting. Also… when you talk to it in the future, you should try to stay relatively calm. Otherwise, it will seize the opportunity to absorb the negative energy from you and grow stronger. When that happens, things will become even harder to deal with.”
“…” F*ck being calm!
System #1 gave a bitter smile. “I know you feel wronged but do as I say anyway. Otherwise, the energy you collect will never keep up with the resentment it absorbs, and you won’t be able to counterbalance it.”
Su Jingyang ground his teeth, the anger in his chest building until he felt ready to explode.
Su Jingyang often gave leftover food from restaurants to little beggars, steadily collecting some energy every day. Most of the remaining energy came from Ling Li, especially during the early days after the Eatery first opened.
Ling Li’s gratitude value had been pouring in endlessly. Su Jingyang had almost thought the progress bar might reach halfway, yet the number displayed on it still looked like a complete joke.
System #1 fell silent for a moment, then let out a heavy sigh. “I’m already severely restricted. If I give you any more hints, I’m afraid I’ll never get out. Still…”
Hearing the struggle in its voice, Su Jingyang’s chest rose and fell, and he didn’t respond.
Before disappearing, System #1 still softened and gave him a hint. It told him not to confine doing good deeds to trivial, insignificant matters, but to focus more on larger spiritual levels instead.
For example, helping someone fulfill the greatest wish of their life, facilitating a beautiful marriage, helping untie a knot that had lingered for many years, or reuniting separated family members.
If successful under such circumstances, it was often much easier to obtain a burst of concentrated energy, many times greater than what one would get from helping an elderly person or giving alms to beggars.
Su Jingyang felt deeply frustrated. How had he never thought along these lines before? Even so, being guided toward a new direction still eased some of the negativity weighing on his heart.
When it came to the greatest wish in one’s life, the first person Su Jingyang naturally asked was Ling Li.
Ling Li was cutting vegetables in the kitchen at home. Before Su Jingyang’s question had even finished, Ling Li seemed distracted and accidentally cut his finger. Blood immediately welled up.
Ling Li stared at the blood on his finger, standing there without moving. Su Jingyang hurriedly pulled him over to the water vat, rinsed his hand clean with water, then dragged him inside to bandage it.
Su Jingyang muttered softly, full of self-blame, “I really shouldn’t have distracted you while you were cutting vegetables.”
Late at night, Su Jingyang and Ling Li sat together by the table in the hall. The lamplight on the tabletop was dim and warm, softly outlining their figures and gazes.
Just as Su Jingyang finished wrapping the gauze around Ling Li’s finger, a wave of energy flowed into his body. Ling Li was always like this. Even something as simple as pouring him a cup of water would earn Su Jingyang quite a few little seven-colored light orbs.
Su Jingyang said, “Since your hand’s injured today, don’t do anything else. Rest properly, all right?”
Ling Li answered with a quiet yes. While packing away the medicine box, Su Jingyang added, “You really push yourself too hard. You already do more than well enough. Customers praise you endlessly, yet you still keep refining and researching.”
Ling Li looked at his face and said softly, “I want to do even better. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
Hearing this, Su Jingyang shook his head in disagreement and said seriously, “When I opened Lin’s Small Eatery, my original intention was to make sure you could live without worry, not to put pressure on you. When you come back every night, don’t keep exhausting yourself. You’re already tired enough.”
Ling Li’s eyes were clear as water as he shook his head, saying he wasn’t tired.
His lips moved slightly, and he added, “Right, Jingyang, about what you asked me just now…”
A smile crept onto Su Jingyang’s lips. “I just wanted to know Ah Li’s wish. Say it out loud. Maybe I can help you fulfill it.”
“Fulfill my wish?” Ling Li looked at Su Jingyang. His calm, deep gaze rested on him for a moment before he suddenly asked softly, “Jingyang, why are you always so good to me?”
“Why?” Su Jingyang answered without hesitation. “Does being good to you even need a reason?”
Ling Li’s breathing faltered. He seemed suddenly unable to meet those clear eyes and hurriedly lowered his gaze. “Maybe… maybe I’m not even worth it.”
“If I say you’re worth it, then you’re worth it,” Su Jingyang said. “You still haven’t told me. What’s your greatest wish?”
Ling Li shook his head and fell silent. Su Jingyang placed both hands on his shoulders and leaned in, pressing gently, “Say it, say it, Ah Li.”
Ling Li seemed to be staring at the finger that had just been bandaged. Under Su Jingyang’s repeated urging, he pressed his lips together before finally speaking slowly, “My greatest wish is… to never be separated from you for the rest of my life.”
Su Jingyang’s heart jolted violently, and he froze.
He had imagined that Ling Li’s wish might be to clear his name in town, or to find and properly bury his adoptive father’s ashes, or to see Ah Xuan grow up healthy. He had never imagined it would be about himself.
Still… he was destined to be unable to do that. He would have to leave eventually.
Not hearing Su Jingyang’s response, Ling Li understood most of it at once. He kept his head lowered, yet his breathing clearly trembled. “Jingyang, in the future… you’re going to leave me eventually, aren’t you?”
Su Jingyang was caught off guard by the question. Anxious and flustered, his mouth opened and closed, yet he didn’t quite dare to answer.
Before asking about Ling Li’s wish, he had never imagined the conversation would turn in this direction.
His silence made Ling Li lower his head even further. Suddenly, teardrops began to fall one after another, splashing onto the freshly bandaged hand.
Su Jingyang hurriedly said, “Ah Li, don’t cry. Don’t cry.”
Ling Li lifted a face already streaked with tears. His sobs weren’t loud and were even restrained, yet he looked utterly miserable. His cheeks were flushed, and he clutched Su Jingyang’s hand tightly, like a drowning person grabbing onto the only piece of driftwood that could save them.
Struggling to suppress his choking voice, he pleaded brokenly, “Can you not leave? Let’s take Ah Xuan and live like this, just like this. No outsiders, no one else. Just the three of us living together. It’s good like this. Jingyang, I… I can’t bear for you to leave. I’m scared. I don’t know how I would go on without you by my side. I don’t even dare to think about it…”
Before Ling Li could finish speaking, Su Jingyang suddenly reached out and pulled him into his arms. He gently patted Ling Li’s back. Almost instinctively, Ling Li wrapped his arms around Su Jingyang, tightening his grip again and again until it hurt.
Su Jingyang felt the dampness on his shoulder growing heavier. His brows knit tightly. Once Ling Li cried, he truly didn’t know what to do, especially when he cried like this.
Su Jingyang’s eyes reddened as he said in a muffled voice, “If I’d known it would make Ah Li this sad, I wouldn’t have asked.”
Ling Li shook his head in Su Jingyang’s arms, crying silently, one hand gripping his clothes tightly.
Su Jingyang couldn’t promise Ling Li that he would never leave for the rest of his life, nor could he offer comfort like “the moon waxes and wanes, people have sorrow and joy” at a moment like this. He could only hold him like this and soothe him.
When the time came to leave this place and go home, Su Jingyang would certainly be reluctant to part with Ling Li as well.
Still… he had to go home. He wasn’t a person of this world at all. Faced with Ling Li’s tears, Su Jingyang suddenly felt unbearably heartless.
That night, the two of them still slept together. Long after the lights were extinguished, Su Jingyang lay there wide-eyed, knowing that Ling Li hadn’t fallen asleep either.
He thought for a long time before finally turning slightly toward Ling Li. Feeling the movement, Ling Li turned as well, turning his face toward him.
In the darkness, they lay facing each other, their breaths intertwined. Su Jingyang spoke softly, his voice gentle. “Ah Li, I don’t want to lie to you. I’ll tell you the truth. Right now, I’m trying to find a way back home.”
Ling Li’s breathing stirred, his voice carrying a nasal tone. “…Home?”
Ling Li had always thought he was homeless. This was the first time he had heard him mention the word home.
“Yeah. My home is very, very far away, so far you can’t even imagine it. I do have a way to leave, but that way is very hard to achieve. I’ll probably have to wait many years before I can go. Don’t be sad. I’ll still be here. When you’re sad, it makes me feel bad too.”
Ling Li grabbed Su Jingyang’s sleeve anxiously. “Very far? How far? Can Ah Xuan and I go back with you?!”
Without asking the system, Su Jingyang already knew this was just a fictional world in a novel. Returning home was already nearly impossible, let alone bringing two more people with him.
He hesitated for a moment, then chose to tell the truth. “My home is very special. Only I can go back. Ah Li, you…”
Ling Li’s breathing seemed to stall. He didn’t dig deeper into why only Su Jingyang could return. His grip on Su Jingyang’s hand gradually loosened. After a long silence, just when Su Jingyang thought he wouldn’t speak again, he heard him repeat hoarsely, “Only… you can go back?”
Su Jingyang felt awful and answered softly with a hum.
Ling Li asked again, “Jingyang, is this your greatest wish?”
Su Jingyang didn’t answer.
After a long, deathly silence, Ling Li suddenly turned over, his back facing Su Jingyang.
“…Jingyang, do you know what I’m thinking right now?”
His low voice came suddenly. Before Su Jingyang could respond, Ling Li continued on his own. “I’m thinking about how to trick you into telling me this so-called way home, then destroy it and stop it so you can’t leave. I’m thinking about how to use every scheme possible to fulfill my wish.”
“Ah Li?” Su Jingyang was so startled that he propped himself up. His hand paused before reaching for Ling Li’s shoulder, feeling it tremble slightly.
“You’re scared, aren’t you?” Ling Li sensed the shock in his voice. His breathing shook violently, sounding half-crying, half-laughing, filled with intense self-loathing.
“You’ve always said I’m good, but I’m really not. Not at all. I’m shameless and selfish inside. I said I would spend my entire life repaying you, but I didn’t. You want to help me fulfill my wish, yet all I want is to destroy yours. I even want to keep hiding it and sabotaging it forever. This is the kind of person I am. This is the truest version of me.”
Su Jingyang’s heart twisted painfully. He leaned in and turned Ling Li’s body back around, speaking to him with unprecedented seriousness. “Ah Li, don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re good. You truly are.”
Spending day after day with Ling Li, Su Jingyang knew his character well. He had indeed been surprised just now, yet a few words like that wouldn’t change his view of him.
“Thinking like this is because you care about me too much, right?” Su Jingyang’s hand brushed over Ling Li’s tear-streaked cheek, feeling his hot, unsteady breathing as he gently wiped away the tears.
His voice was as soft as he could make it. “Everyone has a side like this. That’s completely normal. It’s just that you’re too kind, so you end up scaring yourself. Someone like me wouldn’t. When I run into people who really annoy me, I’ve already tortured them thousands of times in my head and still feel it’s not enough. As long as you haven’t actually done anything to hurt someone, it’s fine.”
As he spoke, Su Jingyang realized Ling Li’s tears were falling even more fiercely.
“No. I’m not kind.” Ling Li grabbed the hand wiping his tears and shook his head hard, his voice choked with suppressed sobs. “I’ve already done something that hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jingyang. I have no face to live. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
He kept repeating his apologies as if atoning. Su Jingyang panicked. “I’ve raised you until you’re fair and chubby. How have you wronged me? Also, I’m really not leaving right now. Ah Li, listen to me. Let’s stop overthinking, all right?”
Ling Li seemed to have something stuck in his throat. Even his apologies became indistinct. Even without seeing his face, Su Jingyang could sense the endless desolation pouring out of him.
Su Jingyang felt exhausted and helpless. He gently patted Ling Li’s trembling back, not knowing how to comfort him anymore.
He had originally planned to go to Jincheng alone after some time. Now, it seemed he would have to reconsider.
Neither of them slept all night. They lay quietly in bed until the sky outside finally began to brighten. Only then did Su Jingyang, using the same cheerful tone as usual, say to the Ling Li lying with his back turned, “Ah Li, let’s have egg pancakes and sesame porridge for breakfast. I’ll make it.”
Ling Li still didn’t turn around, but he hoarsely called out to him just as he was getting out of bed.
“Jingyang.”
Su Jingyang sat on the edge of the bed and immediately turned back to look at him.
“Actually…” Ling Li paused for a long time before continuing, his voice so light it seemed about to disappear. “Actually, between Ah Yi and me, it was just a misunderstanding.”
A misunderstanding?! Su Jingyang was struck dumb by those words, even his breathing becoming cautious.
He truly didn’t understand why Ling Li suddenly said this or what it meant. Everything had seemed so obvious before. How did it turn into a misunderstanding? What had happened that he didn’t know about?
Full of shock and confusion, Su Jingyang wanted to know the truth. Seeing how fragile Ling Li was at that moment though, he didn’t want to provoke him further. After calming himself, he suppressed the urge to keep asking, leaned over to hug him, and comforted him softly. “Then let’s just ignore him. My Ah Li will definitely meet the person he loves deeply in the future.”
After staying with him a while longer, Su Jingyang put on his shoes and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.
Ling Li lay there blankly, listening to the sounds of him leaving. His pale lips trembled as he raised a hand to cover his swollen red eyes. His hair clung messily to his face as tears slipped soundlessly through his fingers, soaking the pillow that hadn’t yet dried.
Someone to deeply love, that would never happen again in this life. Never.
Su Jingyang felt uneasy. Ever since that day, he kept noticing a calm, lifeless stillness occasionally flashing in Ling Li’s eyes, making his heart ache for no clear reason.
He couldn’t help suspecting whether Ah Yi had said something before, pushing Ling Li’s forced composure to its limit, then combined with hearing that Su Jingyang would leave, causing his emotions to collapse under the double blow.
Ling Li seemed to know what he was thinking and gently denied everything with a soft smile.
“It really has nothing to do with Ah Yi. I just missed the child too much. That day… I was thinking about Ah Xuan, and hearing you say you’d leave someday made me unable to bear it, so I lost control of my emotions. It wasn’t because of Ah Yi at all. There’s really nothing between him and me, from start to finish.” His final sentence was spoken with particular seriousness.
Su Jingyang remained half-convinced. “Ah Li, your state really doesn’t seem right.”
Ling Li froze, then subconsciously touched his face. “Is that so? Is it that obvious? How could it be… I…” He quickly curved his lips into a smile at Su Jingyang. “Maybe it’s because I haven’t been sleeping well these days. I’ll work on adjusting. I definitely will…”
Su Jingyang had no other choice. He thought that once Ah Xuan returned, with the child’s companionship, Ling Li would probably get a little better.
On the night Rong Ci returned holding Ah Xuan, Su Jingyang was once again picking up eggs by the chicken coop. The scene felt eerily familiar. When he turned around this time though, what he saw wasn’t Ah Yi’s cold back entering the house, but a pair of pitch-black eyes that met his gaze directly.
Ah Xuan who had been drowsily resting on Rong Ci’s shoulder, he immediately perked up when he saw Su Jingyang. He straightened up happily and reached out to him. “Uncle, Uncle!”
Hearing the commotion, Ling Li hurried out of the house, took the child into his arms, kissed him again and again with tears in his eyes, and repeatedly thanked Rong Ci.
Rong Ci gave a faint hum and turned to leave. Ling Li suddenly said, “Ah Yi, stay and have a late-night meal before you go.”
Without waiting for Rong Ci’s response, Ling Li turned to Su Jingyang, who was still standing there. “Jingyang, I’ll bathe the child. Can you help make some egg pancakes?”
“Sure, sure,” Su Jingyang replied, carrying the eggs he had just collected into the kitchen. By the time he finished and came back out, Ah Xuan was already asleep. Ling Li and Rong Ci sat on opposite sides in silence, the atmosphere bizarrely quiet.
…What was going on here?
That late-night meal left Su Jingyang feeling uneasy all over. Rong Ci kept staring at him with an unreadable expression. Su Jingyang gnawed on a soft pancake, his heart pounding. What are you staring at? Are you sick?
After that night, Rong Ci disappeared again for several days before returning home. How did Su Jingyang realize he was back? That chicken, first thing in the morning, started flying next door like it had been injected with chicken blood. Su Jingyang immediately knew it. Oh, the wild man next door who had been seducing it was back.
Su Jingyang went to knock on the door to retrieve the chicken. This time, he didn’t have to wait long before the door opened. Rong Ci, dressed in black, appeared in the doorway, holding the chicken and handing it to him.
Su Jingyang thanked him, took the chicken, and was about to leave when his peripheral vision accidentally caught sight of the pixiu jade pendant at Rong Ci’s waist.
Su Jingyang: “………………”
Rong Ci crossed his arms and looked down at him. “I’m not wearing it because I like it. I just know how petty you are. If I didn’t wear something you gave me, you would definitely find an excuse to ask for it back.”
Holding the chicken, Su Jingyang froze before stumbling backward in shock. How did this man know the jade pendant was from him?! Ling Li… what did Ling Li do?!
He turned and was about to run back to ask Ling Li, only to be grabbed by Rong Ci, who yanked him back in front of him. Meeting Su Jingyang’s wide, nervous eyes, Rong Ci lowered his head slightly.
His dark gaze bore down on him as he said coldly, “Su Jingyang, if that stupid brain of yours dares matchmaking for me again, you might as well chop it off yourself and feed it to the pigs.”
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