Chapter 46 — I Think I Died Once With You
Yu Fan slammed the vinegar down. The dull thud made several tables look over.
All they saw was a head ducked low, a pair of chopsticks gripped like knives, viciously churning the noodles in his bowl.
The brim of his cap hid most of his face.
He was stirring the noodles like they were a person.
A hand reached over and pressed his chopsticks. Chen Jingshen took the bowl away.
“Too sour,” Chen Jingshen said. “I’ll order another.”
Yu Fan glared up, about to snap, Who asked you to manage what I eat?
“I mean the noodles are sour,” Chen added when their eyes met.
“…”
After that, from dining to paying the bill, then from the restaurant to the internet cafe, Yu Fan did not speak to Chen Jingshen again.
Gamers get loud, especially five boys in one voice chat.
Wang Lu’an and Zuo Kuan were bot lane together. Every few lines they were yelling, so Yu Fan kept turning the in-game volume down.
“Hey, you’re kinda trash,” Zuo Kuan said over comms. “That paid duo from earlier was way better.”
“Uh huh, uh huh, can you guess why she gets paid to duo— F***!” Wang Lu’an shrieked. Mouse clacks went wild. “Mid is roaming. Zuo Kuan, peel for me… you sold me out?!”
“Brothers are birds of the same forest, they scatter in a storm.”
“Get lost!” Wang Lu’an snapped. “Yu Fan, mid’s gone, why didn’t you say something?!”
Yu Fan: “Forgot.”
Wang Lu’an: “What is with you today, man? You’re playing half asleep.”
He was.
When his champion was safe, Yu Fan turned and met the gaze next to him.
“What are you looking at?” he asked, annoyed.
Since logging in, Chen Jingshen had done nothing but lounge on the sofa. Sometimes he glanced at the screen, sometimes at Yu Fan.
“Watching you play,” Chen said.
“F***,” Wang Lu’an blurted in Yu Fan’s headset. “Why is the study god next to you?”
Yu Fan: “Internet cafe.”
Wang Lu’an, amazed: “You two are tight enough to hang on weekends at a net cafe?”
“Just ran into each other.”
“In Yuhe, you just happen to run into each other?”
“…”
So many questions.
Yu Fan nudged the mic away from his mouth and looked at Chen Jingshen, cool as ice. “Watch your own screen, or go home.”
Chen obediently turned back and clicked open a random movie.
They played five straight. Then Zhu Xu said his mom needed him to help carry stuff and asked them to give him ten minutes.
Everyone was beat anyway, so they idled in voice and chatted.
His ears ached after a whole afternoon in headphones. Yu Fan muted his mic, took the headset off, cranked his speakers so he could still hear them talk.
He slouched back, crossed one knee, fished out a cigarette. He was about to light it when a glance to the side made him pause.
Chen Jingshen had no headphones on either. His exam stationery lay scattered on the desk. His posture was a little lazy, face cool as he watched a movie.
Two animated figures were walking in the sky, a man carrying a girl. Howl’s Moving Castle.
“…,” Yu Fan thought. Hard to imagine Chen Jingshen watching that.
It was already dinner hour. Outside had gone dark.
Yu Fan nudged him with his knee. “Chen Jingshen, why are you still here?”
Chen glanced at the unlit cigarette in Yu Fan’s fingers, then asked back, “When are you going home?”
“I might pull an all—” Yu Fan stopped. “None of your business.”
“I’m pulling one too,” Chen said.
“…”
“Could you not pick up my bad habits?” Yu Fan frowned. “No one nags me at home. You don’t have anyone either?”
“No,” Chen said. “My family is abroad right now, so staying out all night is fine.”
“…”
Chen leaned back with him. “What’s that face?”
“Nothing. Just thinking,” Yu Fan looked straight at him, “Chen Jingshen, are you in a rebellious phase lately?”
Chen held his gaze for a moment.
“Have you considered,” he said evenly, “that I might be in a crush phase…”
Yu Fan reached over and pinched his mouth.
“Yu Fan! Yu Fan!” his headset on the desk called, Wang Lu’an yelling, “Where’d you go?”
Expression blank, Yu Fan said, “Shut up and watch your movie.”
Chen nodded.
Yu Fan let him go and unmuted. “What?”
“Been calling forever. Zuo and I are planning to hit the amusement park on Dragon Boat Festival,” Wang Lu’an said. “Oh, right, tell the study god to come too.”
Yu Fan had zero interest in that kind of thing. He started, “I—”
“Sure,” Chen said.
“…”
Chen tilted his head. “I’ve never been to an amusement park.”
Then you can go with them…
“Let’s go together,” Chen said.
“…”
Yu Fan stared him down in silence for a beat. Finally, he stuffed the cigarette back in the pack and muttered into voice, “Whatever. I’m hitting the bathroom. Don’t queue yet.”
The place was packed for the weekend. It was dinnertime, the air thick with the smell of food.
As he stood, he happened to hear a girl at a nearby station on the phone. “I’m at the net cafe… Playing what? Not really playing, just watching a drama… What can you do, have to keep the boyfriend company… Not boring, he keeps talking to me and bought me so many snacks. Just the sitting gets tiring.”
On his way back from the bathroom, Yu Fan turned the corner toward their row, took two steps, stopped, then glanced at the front desk.
Another movie ended. Chen Jingshen lifted a finger to click around for something else to kill time.
Out of the corner of his eye a familiar figure approached, both hands loaded, steps slow and clumsy.
Before he could see clearly, a slap hit the desk.
Chips and seeds, cake and preserved plums, all kinds of snack packs, plus a steaming bowl of beef noodles.
“Eat.” Yu Fan sat down like nothing had happened and grabbed his headset. “Two more games and I’m out.”
Chen glanced at the delicate mille crepe and milk tea on the girl’s desk at the next station, then at his own mountain of random snacks. He could not help pressing his lips.
“Okay.” He tore open a packet at random, then pushed his luck. “I’m tired of the movie. Can I watch you play?”
Expression stone-cold, Yu Fan locked in a champion. “… Suit yourself.”
Back at school, Wang Lu’an invited a few closer classmates to the park. Most were traveling with family for the festival. Only Zhang Xianjing and Ke Ting said yes.
June in Nancheng blazed. Daytime temperatures were brutal.
On the holiday they agreed to meet at five, after a little food at home, at the amusement park gate.
The park was locally owned, two decades old out on the edge of town. Big footprint, lots of rides, a festive vibe. Always busy.
It was a holiday, so they had to queue just to get in.
In line, Wang Lu’an stared at Zhang Xianjing, who wore long sleeves, long pants, a veil and sunglasses. “Aren’t you hot? Is this necessary? The sun’s basically gone.”
“You know sh**. UV is there until dark.” She dug out sunscreen and reached for Ke Ting’s hand. “Ting-bao, come here, put some on.”
Ke Ting resisted at first. The “Ting-bao” landed and her face softened. She bowed her head and held out her hands.
When she finished, Zhang Xianjing turned to the two tall, pale beanpoles behind them. “You two want some?”
“No,” Yu Fan said without thinking.
“I’m good,” Chen Jingshen said.
They were both in short sleeves and long pants with white baseball caps. Weirdly matched at a glance.
Zuo Kuan coughed and put his hand out. “Zhang Xianjing, hit me.”
“You’re already dark, what’s the point?” She tossed him the bottle. “Do it yourself.”
“…”
Evening helped a little, but being packed in with the crowd was still hot.
Hands shoved in pockets, Yu Fan was getting irritated by the wait. On a day like this he should have been home or in a net cafe, why line up here?
He could still bail.
The line shuffled forward. The thought had barely formed when a long, cool breeze brushed the back of his neck.
He glanced back. Chen Jingshen was holding a handheld fan, angling it at the back of his head.
“Where’d that come from?”
“Just bought it,” Chen said. “Does that feel better?”
It was blessedly cool, but Yu Fan felt weird about it. He frowned. “Blow yourself.”
“I’m not hot.”
“Then why buy it?”
At that exact moment, a vendor passed with a string of identical fans. He called out as he walked, “So hot, handsome guy. Buy a fan and blow it on your girlfriend.”
“…”
Yu Fan’s hand tightened in his pocket. His voice was flat. “Put it away.”
Chen hummed and turned the fan toward himself.
A few minutes later, the breeze hit his nape again. Yu Fan did not look. He pretended not to notice and went back to waiting.
Ten minutes after that, they finally reached the turnstiles.
Once they broke free of the crush, it felt less hot. Inside, Chen stuffed the fan into his pocket.
The park lights were already on. The carousel near the gate glowed in candy colors. The ferris wheel twinkled with strings of bulbs, turning slow against the sky.
There were paper maps. Zhang Xianjing found her route at a glance.
“Ke Ting and I are going to find the mascots for pics, then the carousel for pics, then the castle for pics. Want to come?”
Wang Lu’an looked wounded. “Jing-jie, I really thought you weren’t like other girls…”
“Scram.” With the sun gone she took off her sunglasses and revealed careful makeup, rolling her eyes. “We’ll meet up at the night market later. Watch the time.”
The four boys were left in the central garden.
“What are we playing?” Wang Lu’an asked.
“No idea,” Yu Fan said, turning away. “Walk and see.”
The rides near the entrance were kid stuff.
At the spinning teacups, Wang Lu’an asked, “We could…”
“Open your f***ing eyes,” Zuo Kuan said. “See any adults in there that aren’t parents?”
At the bumper cars, Zuo said, “How about—”
“No,” Wang Lu’an said. “I get motion sick.”
They nixed each other all the way along. Yu Fan and Chen Jingshen walked ahead and did not spare those rides a look.
Yu Fan cut a sideways glance. Chen was quietly scanning the riot of colors like it really was his first time, his face still unreadably cool.
“If you want to play something, say so,” Yu Fan said, voice cool.
Chen immediately stopped and stared straight to the side.
Yu Fan followed his gaze. A black door with an ominous sign: Haunted House — The Unknown Cave.
“…”
Wang Lu’an and Zuo Kuan instinctively marched forward, eyes forward, unblinking.
“I want—” Chen had barely gotten the words out when Yu Fan grabbed his sleeve and hauled him away.
“This is a no.”
A few minutes later, Chen paused at the two-seat ferris wheel.
Yu Fan dragged him on. “Not that.”
A moment after that, Chen’s steps faltered by the tandem bikes.
Yu Fan hooked his wrist again. “Not riding.”
Watching the back of the head that kept tugging his clothes, Chen huffed a laugh. He asked with genuine curiosity, “Then what are we allowed to play?”
They stopped in the very heart of the park.
All around them, one by one, were the pendulum ride, the roller coaster, the pirate ship, and the park’s signature drop tower with a 129-meter fall.
“Pick,” Yu Fan said.
Chen Jingshen: “.”
In here it felt like screams came from every direction, each shriller than the last. So at first, Wang Lu’an and Zuo Kuan refused.
But they were the classic type who got more eager the more they sucked.
Wang Lu’an started it with, “Don’t tell me you’re scared of this too.” Zuo snapped back, “Whoever’s scared is a grandson,” and after some leg-shaking bravado they decided to go together.
These four lines were way longer than the others. They still had the night market later, so they could not do them all.
After some debate, they queued for the most popular drop tower first. If there was time, they would try another.
Bickering up front, the two clowns led the way. Yu Fan asked quietly, “Can you handle it?”
“I can,” Chen said.
Only then did Yu Fan head for the end of the line.
The queue wound through an artificial cave with AC, which made waiting less miserable.
Time dragged. Wang Lu’an and Zuo Kuan started a mobile game.
Yu Fan did not like playing while standing. He leaned on the wall and watched them instead.
His T-shirt was tugged. He turned on reflex.
The line was long and tight. He pivoted without thinking and suddenly they were a little too close.
Under the brim, Chen’s lashes lowered. “Looks like we’ll be here a while.”
“Yeah.” Yu Fan blinked under his stare. “If you don’t want to wait we can hit something—”
“No rush,” Chen said. “Want to run through Li Sao and the Preface to the Prince Teng Pavilion?”
“…”
Forty minutes later, they reached the front.
The last riders staggered off white as sheets. Wang Lu’an swallowed. “Why does it look like none of them can stand?”
Zuo Kuan tilted his head back, voice strangled. “From outside… it didn’t look this f***ing high…”
Yu Fan asked one last time under his breath, “You really can do it?”
“Mhm.”
The attendant unhooked the rope. Yu Fan slid off his cap and stepped in like it was nothing. “Then let’s go.”
There were three rows of seats, six to a row. On their side a couple took the remaining spots.
Strapped in, Wang Lu’an and Zuo Kuan exchanged a look and saw the same regret in each other’s eyes.
The machine started. They rose, slow and slower, seemingly without end.
“Why are we still going…” Wang Lu’an was on the edge of tears.
Zuo Kuan yelled down, “I don’t want to play anymore! Hey! You hear me? Let me off—”
They were loud enough to be annoying.
Yu Fan unknotted inside soon enough.
At the top, the tower gave them the park in fireworks color, the quiet dark of the woods, and a glittering city horizon. His legs hung over empty air. There was no fear. His chest pulled tight with a thrill as he looked.
“Li Yan, I like you!” the boyfriend suddenly bellowed. “Marry me!”
All four of them jerked.
The girlfriend had been squealing in whispers. She paused two seconds, then shouted back, “I do!”
“I love you!”
“Me too!”
Expression blank, Yu Fan kept looking at the view. He was just thinking, when are we dropping, when something nudged the back of his hand.
Chen hooked his finger. “Yu Fan, I—”
“Shut up.” Yu Fan’s heart kicked. He swatted Chen’s hand hard. “Try copying them, I dare you.”
“…”
Chen turned his face aside. Two seconds later he looked back. “I just… got a little scared.”
Yu Fan: “…”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“No,” Yu Fan said, cold.
Chen watched him for a beat, then faced forward. “Okay.”
Zuo Kuan could not take it anymore. Hanging in the sky was torture. He shut his eyes and yelled, “When the hell do we— AHHHHHH— AHHHHHH F***—”
Without warning the tower dropped.
The instant they fell, Chen felt something bump his fingers. The next second, a hand clamped his tight.
He blinked, then squeezed back. In those ten seconds they fumbled and found each other’s grip, fingers locking together hard.
The weightlessness spiked adrenaline. Screams were everywhere, some until the voice broke.
Their clasped hands were iron. Heartbeats thudded through skin, hot and shaking. Yu Fan barely breathed on the way down. He had imagined falling from that height ages ago, a few seconds to the ground, the whole world slamming him flat until even his soul shattered.
But the fantasy had never included a hand that would not let go, or Chen Jingshen’s heat and heartbeat.
The tower braked just short of the ground, paused, then shot back up, even faster than before.
Yu Fan finally caught air and dragged in breaths, then looked sideways without thinking.
Chen was already looking at him.
Wind had fluffed Chen’s hair off his forehead, his eyes dark and clear. The tower lights pooled in them like the moon sunk in a lake.
“Don’t be scared,” Chen said.
Yu Fan had no idea what face he was making to make Chen think he was scared.
“I’m not f***ing scared…” his voice came out rough. “Chen Jingshen, what are you smiling at again?!”
“Nothing. I just…”
They hit the top. His voice mixed with the wind.
After a beat, he laughed and said low, “Yu Fan, I think I died once with you.”
Yu Fan’s heart skipped.
The next moment, they dropped from the sky again.
Something blew apart in his head. His heart hammered, his blood boiled hot. He almost screamed with Wang Lu’an and the others.
The dizziness was real. He could not tell if it came from the fall, or from Chen Jingshen.
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