“If You Don’t Push Me Away, I Won’t Be Able to Stop Myself from Wanting to Kiss You.”
Without even thinking, Ji Chaoyun decisively pulled the leg he had already lowered from the bed back beneath the blankets, then calmly lay down again as though nothing had happened.
Feng Qi burst out laughing at the sight. “Still pretending? Who sleeps wearing this much?”
Ji Chaoyun’s ears burned bright red. He stared rigidly at the gauze canopy overhead and gritted out, “Didn’t you leave?”
“I was worried about you.” Feng Qi said matter-of-factly, “How could I leave without seeing for myself whether you were actually all right?”
He leaned back slightly.
“Tell me. Why did you pretend to be sick?”
“...”
Ji Chaoyun pursed his lips.
For the first time in his life, he desperately wished he could dig a hole and bury himself in it.
He had rarely lied to anyone in all his years, much less had one of those lies exposed to his face. The humiliation was unimaginable.
Feng Qi knew how thin-skinned he was and stopped teasing him. His gaze shifted toward the open books scattered across the desk.
“You were researching the illusions created by the Illusory Clarity Mirror?”
Ji Chaoyun sat up and softly answered, “Mm.”
“I understand.” Feng Qi nodded. “Yesterday, you lost yourself in the Illusory Clarity Mirror and had no idea how to proceed, so today you decided not to go and wanted to find a way to break through it on your own first. Is that right?”
Ji Chaoyun tacitly acknowledged it.
Feng Qi curled his fingers and tapped his knuckles against the book on the desk.
“Is it helping?”
“Not much.” Ji Chaoyun leaned against the headboard and shook his head. “The Illusory Clarity Mirror reflects the weaknesses within a person’s heart. Every method of breaking through it first requires overcoming that weakness.
Otherwise, every step becomes difficult. Inside the Illusory Clarity Mirror, I didn’t even have my cultivation. How could I possibly do anything else?”
Feng Qi asked, “What exactly did you see in that illusion?”
“I...”
Ji Chaoyun lowered his eyes and did not answer.
He had seen Feng Xiao tormented endlessly by demonic poison, unable to find release.
He had seen the cruel future his father once described become reality, the Immortal Realm forever bowing beneath the Demon Realm.
And he had seen...
That faceless black-robed man driving him little by little into a dead end, pain and terror following him like a shadow.
Those shattered images rose before Ji Chaoyun’s eyes once more.
The scene had been so painfully real that his body trembled faintly despite himself. He instinctively clutched the quilt around him, his fingertips leaving crease after crease in the soft brocade.
“All right. Don’t be afraid.” At some point, Feng Qi had already walked to the bedside. He gently but firmly pulled Ji Chaoyun’s hand free from the blanket and enclosed those ice-cold fingers within the warmth of his palm.
Ji Chaoyun pressed his lips tightly together.
After a long while, he said softly, “I didn’t mean to lie. I just... I don’t want to enter that illusion again. I don’t want to see those things...”
Throughout everything he had endured along the way, he had never once tried to run from anything. Yet this was the one thing he truly never wanted to experience again.
Feng Qi sighed. Then his hand suddenly tightened, pulling Ji Chaoyun straight into his arms.
“When are you going to understand that you aren’t alone anymore?”
Ji Chaoyun froze.
“When you’re afraid, when you’re hurting, when you don’t know what to do, is showing someone a little weakness really that difficult for you?”
“...”
Feng Qi held the back of Ji Chaoyun’s head and wrapped both arms tightly around him, his fingers brushing through his hair. “Now you should understand why I hate Feng Xiao so much. How could he leave you all alone in the mortal realm and make you so afraid to even ask anyone for help now? That bastard... How could he bear to do that to you...”
Ji Chaoyun’s eyes suddenly reddened.
His fingers clutched Feng Qi’s sleeve, trying to push him away, yet somehow he could not summon the strength.
After a long while, Ji Chaoyun said against his chest, “I never blamed him.”
“I know. You’ve never blamed him.” Feng Qi lowered his voice. “I’m only a little angry with myself.”
Angry that he had not met Ji Chaoyun earlier.
Angry that before any of those things happened, he had not been there to bring him back and keep him safely by his side.
Ji Chaoyun softly asked, “...Why would you say that?”
“Nothing. If you don’t understand, forget it.”
Feng Qi gently stroked the back of his neck. “Just remember this from now on. No matter what happens, you can tell me. Don’t keep everything bottled up and make yourself suffer, understand?”
“Feng Qi...”
“Mm? What is it?”
“...Nothing.”
Ji Chaoyun pulled himself free from Feng Qi’s embrace.
“Thank you. I feel much better... It’s still early. I’m going back to class.”
Feng Qi raised a brow.
“You’re not afraid of the illusion anymore?”
“...”
Feng Qi ruffled his hair and said with a smile.
“You’ve already skipped class anyway. Why go back now? Pack up. I’ll take you down the mountain to have some fun.”
☁
The town at the foot of Hongmeng Mountain was unusually lively that day.
The sky had not yet darkened, yet countless red lanterns already hung throughout the streets. From afar, the entire town radiated a festive atmosphere.
This made the place feel even more like the mortal realm.
“Why is it so lively today?” Ji Chaoyun asked.
Feng Qi looked equally surprised. “I don’t know either. Perhaps it’s some mortal festival. Mortals celebrate something every few days. There are too many of them. How am I supposed to remember?”
Since his birth, Feng Qi had only visited the mortal realm a few times, and each journey had been solely for training. He came and went in haste and understood mortal customs even less than Ji Chaoyun did.
Though these past days Ji Chaoyun had been so absorbed in his studies that he had long forgotten what day it currently was in the mortal realm.
The two walked into town.
The streets bustled with people coming and going.
Vendors had set up stalls along both sides of the road. Besides the usual spirit pills, immortal medicines, and magical artifacts, there were even more small trinkets brought up from the mortal realm.
Ji Chaoyun’s footsteps unconsciously slowed.
He turned toward a nearby stall selling carved wooden figures and cloth dolls.
He had seen such things in the mortal realm before. They were hardly rare there but were uncommon in the Immortal Realm. Quite a few people had already gathered around the stall.
Feng Qi followed his gaze.
“What is it? Want one?”
“No. I was only thinking...” Ji Chaoyun paused, then asked seriously, “If I bring some of these little things back next time I go to the mortal realm, do you think they would sell?”
“...”
Feng Qi was nearly driven to laughter by him. Both amused and exasperated, he said, “Is money all you ever think about?”
Worried that Ji Chaoyun would soon walk over and start discussing the secrets of getting rich with the vendor, Feng Qi hurriedly pulled him away.
Even while being pulled along, Ji Chaoyun kept looking back reluctantly. His tone carried a trace of resentment.
“Those only cost a few copper coins in the mortal realm...”
Feng Qi could only coax him. “Then next time we go to the mortal realm, I’ll get some for you?”
“We?”
“What, you don’t want to go with me?” Feng Qi asked. “After the second seasonal examination, we’ll be able to apply to the Immortal Venerables for permission to descend to the lower realm for experiential training. What’s the point of staying cooped up in the academy all day? If you go down to the mortal realm for training a few more times, accumulate merit, and advance your cultivation, you won’t progress any slower than you would by cultivating arduously every day.”
“Then why would you descend?”
“I... I’m naturally going there to have fun.” Feng Qi answered without the slightest shame. “You’re familiar with the mortal realm. Wouldn’t having you show me the way be best?”
Ji Chaoyun found himself unable to refute him. He opened his mouth, but in the end, he did not refuse.
Just then, someone nearby called out, selling tanghulu Is a traditional Chinese snack made by coating skewered fruit, most commonly hawthorn berries, in a hardened sugar glaze , and Ji Chaoyun’s gaze was immediately drawn over.
Sweets like these had always been especially popular with children. Several children from immortal families crowded so tightly around the tanghulu stall that not even water could pass through, each scrambling to be first..
Ji Chaoyun pursed his lips and reluctantly looked away.
Feng Qi tilted his head and watched him for a moment. He softly said, “Wait here,” then walked straight toward the stall.
A short while later, he returned holding a skewer of tanghulu. Feng Qi stopped in front of Ji Chaoyun but did not hand it over immediately. Instead, he tilted his head and gave him a leisurely smile.
“Want it?”
“...”
Amusement filled Feng Qi’s eyes as he deliberately said, “Speak. If you don’t say anything, I’ll throw it away and you won’t get it.”
They were standing in the middle of a crowded street.
No one around them was paying attention, yet Ji Chaoyun still looked as though he had been placed beneath the scrutiny of countless eyes.
He glanced around, then looked at the sweet Feng Qi was pretending to throw away.
In a small voice, he said, “...I want it.”
“That’s more like it.” Feng Qi handed him the skewer but did not immediately let go. His fingertips lightly brushed Ji Chaoyun’s fingers as he lowered his voice.
“What I said back at Wenqu Peak wasn’t complete. It isn’t only when you’re hurting that you should tell me. If you want something, if you like something, you can tell me that too. Don’t keep everything buried inside. All right?”
Ji Chaoyun grew uncomfortable beneath his gaze and looked away.
“I... I actually don’t particularly want anything...”
“That’s all right. I’m happy to buy things for you.” Feng Qi said gently. “All the other children have one. Naturally, a well-behaved little dragon should have one too.”
“Feng Qi...”
Feng Qi lowered his eyes with a smile. Through that simple movement, he concealed all the tenderness he could no longer hide in his gaze, and his expression returned to normal.
He turned Ji Chaoyun by the shoulders and naturally draped an arm around him as they continued forward.
“Come on. Let’s see what else there is to have fun with up ahead. This is supposed to imitate a mortal temple fair, right? It’s my first time visiting one too. It’s quite interesting.”
Ji Chaoyun stared at him blankly for a long moment before lowering his head and biting into one of the tanghulu.
A clear sweetness immediately filled his mouth. It seemed that all the frustration weighing upon his heart vanished in that instant, leaving behind only that sweet taste, spreading all the way into his chest.
The two did not wander for much longer.
Night soon fell, and the streets grew even more crowded.
Feng Qi originally wanted to drag Ji Chaoyun to the river to release flower lanterns and join the festivities, but one glance at the packed crowd made him immediately reconsider.
Let alone him, even Ji Chaoyun could hardly imagine what the dignified Second Highness Feng would look like being jostled into a sorry state amid the crowd, so he took the initiative to suggest that they go to Changyuan Pavilion and find a spot with a good view to admire the lanterns.
Feng Qi gladly agreed.
Fortunately, Feng Qi had reserved a private room at Changyuan Pavilion in advance. By the time the two arrived, food and wine had already been prepared.
The immortal chefs of Changyuan Pavilion were no worse than the chefs of mortal restaurants, and their ingredients were personally purchased from the mortal realm every so often. Naturally, the taste was excellent.
The two sat beside the window.
Across the water, music and dancing filled the stage. Thousands upon thousands of lanterns floated slowly down the river, illuminating the entire town.
Feng Qi had little interest in mortal food and simply poured two cups of wine.
Ji Chaoyun quietly watched his movements, wanting to say something, but ultimately held his tongue.
None of these people ever took the academy rules seriously. No wonder Immortal Venerable Yuheng of the Disciplinary Hall always looked so aggrieved.
“Don’t look at me like that. It’s only a couple cups.” Feng Qi smiled. “I brought this wine from the Phoenix Clan. It’s brewed from sweet spring water and green bamboo. It’s no worse than the immortal wine that Yaoguang fellow gave you.”
Ji Chaoyun was only half convinced. He cautiously took a sip.
The wine was mellow and rich but not harsh. Its lingering sweetness was light and refreshing. Even Ji Chaoyun, who rarely drank, had to admit that it tasted excellent.
His eyes brightened, and he tipped his head back to finish the cup.
“Drink slower.”
Feng Qi refilled his cup, saying idly, “This wine is strong. If you get drunk later, I’m not carrying you back.”
Having spent the whole day out enjoying himself, Ji Chaoyun was in good spirits.
He looked up at Feng Qi. “Don’t underestimate me. I may not like drinking, but I don’t get drunk that easily.”
Feng Qi raised a brow. “That impressive?”
“The Dragon Clan are an aquatic race, after all. We can naturally dispel the effects of alcohol. You didn’t even know that?” Ji Chaoyun seemed to remember something and smiled. “Back then, I was always the one getting Feng Xiao drunk. He goes down after a single cup.”
Feng Qi’s eyes darted about before he said smugly, “Then I’m better than him. I’ve never gotten drunk.”
Ji Chaoyun laughed helplessly. “What’s there to compare about that...”
Feng Qi only smiled and did not explain.
After a while, he asked, “Have you thought of a way to deal with your illusion?”
Ji Chaoyun’s smile faded slightly and shook his head.
Feng Qi said, “I asked around. The next seasonal examination really will use the Illusory Clarity Mirror. If I’m guessing correctly, Immortal Venerable Kaiyang will release demonic creatures into the illusion, and points will likewise be awarded for slaying them. If you can’t overcome the illusion, passing this examination will be difficult.”
“I understand.”
Ji Chaoyun lowered his gaze.
“For now, I can only take things one step at a time, but I’ll do my best to face it. I won’t run away again.”
Feng Qi said, “I might have a way to help you.”
“What?”
“The reason you can’t break through the illusion of the Illusory Clarity Mirror is simply that the knot in your heart has yet to be undone. That pent-up knot has festered into a heart demon, leaving you unable to use your spiritual power within the illusion. Once you break through this heart demon, wouldn’t you be able to overcome the illusion?”
Ji Chaoyun frowned. “But... even when I ascended through tribulation, I couldn’t...”
If he had been able to overcome this hurdle during his ascension, he would never have ended up in this half-yao, half-immortal state.
“You know the Heavenly Fox Clan specializes in illusion arts, right?” Feng Qi said. “If you’re willing to try, I can ask Bai Qiuyue to help you enter a dream. You can return to that place and confront what happened back then, perhaps finally untangling the knot in your heart.”
Ji Chaoyun started in surprise. “That can really be done?”
Feng Qi smiled faintly at him. “With me here, there’s nothing that can’t be done. You only need to tell me whether you’re willing to try.”
“...All right.”
The two drank and talked until the academy curfew approached. Only then did they stop and prepare to return.
Ji Chaoyun stood up, but the world suddenly spun around him. His legs went weak, and he dropped back into his seat.
“Chaoyun?” Feng Qi hurriedly reached out to steady him. “What’s wrong?”
Ji Chaoyun had not yet figured out what was happening to himself. He raised his head and slowly said, “I think... I’m a little dizzy?”
The Phoenix Clan’s wine tasted clear and smooth, but its aftereffects were exceptionally strong. Ji Chaoyun had not noticed anything earlier. Only now did the drunkenness surge up all at once, bringing dizziness with it. Even his usually pale face gradually flushed an unusual red.
Feng Qi: “...Didn’t you say you could naturally dispel the effects of alcohol?”
Ji Chaoyun quietly muttered, “But that... that was three hundred years ago...”
“...”
Right. Of course it was a dragon-pearl kind of excuse.
Feng Qi laughed helplessly and shook his head. In that brief moment, Ji Chaoyun’s consciousness had already grown hazy.
The wine hit him frighteningly fast once it took effect. Ji Chaoyun slumped across the table, suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion, unable to summon even a little strength.
Feng Qi tried pulling him upright, but Ji Chaoyun would not budge.
He coaxed gently, “Chaoyun, don’t fall asleep yet. I’ll take you back to Wenqu Peak.”
“No, I’m so sleepy.” Ji Chaoyun’s eyelids were so heavy he could barely keep them open, his words slurred
“...”
Feng Qi fell silent for a moment. Then he reached out and pinched Ji Chaoyun’s reddened earlobe.
“You really don’t want to leave?”
The drunken little dragon was stubborn beyond reason. “Not leaving.”
“...Then you can’t blame me.”
Changyuan Pavilion remained open day and night, and every private room had an inner chamber for guests who wished to rest overnight.
Feng Qi helped Ji Chaoyun onto the small couch in the inner chamber.
The moment the latter’s body touched the soft couch, he immediately curled up without the slightest hesitation, mumbling something indistinctly.
In the end, Feng Qi did nothing to him. He merely helped him remove his outer robe and boots, then pulled the quilt over him.
Only afterward did he sigh. “Where else am I supposed to find an upstanding gentleman like myself? I’m practically moved by my own virtue.”
Strangely, once Ji Chaoyun lay down, he no longer seemed sleepy. He opened his eyes and stared at Feng Qi, apparently unable to understand what he was saying.
Feng Qi grew restless beneath that gaze and tapped him on the forehead.
“What are you staring at? Go to sleep. We’ll return once you wake up.”
“Ow...” Ji Chaoyun tilted his head, his eyes misting over pitifully. “Why did you hit me?”
“...”
Feng Qi lightly ground his teeth.
Little charmer.
Not understanding why Feng Qi had gone quiet, Ji Chaoyun reached out and tugged at his sleeve. “Are you angry?”
This was nothing like the way he usually spoke to Feng Qi.
Whenever Ji Chaoyun’s consciousness grew unclear, he could never seem to distinguish Feng Qi from Feng Xiao.
Feng Qi lowered his eyes and looked at him. Perhaps it was the influence of the alcohol, but a faint, inexplicable displeasure gradually rose in his heart. He leaned down until he was almost level with Ji Chaoyun and asked maliciously, “Who am I?”
Ji Chaoyun’s hazy gaze reflected Feng Qi’s ill-intentioned expression, but he only stared quietly at him and did not answer.
Feng Qi lowered his head further, the distance between them shrinking until he could nearly feel the other’s shallow breaths.
He lifted Ji Chaoyun’s chin, keeping him from turning away, and asked softly, “Chaoyun, open your eyes and look carefully. Who am I?”
“Feng...”
Feng Qi’s heart began pounding wildly, his gaze fixed on him without moving.
Then Ji Chaoyun suddenly broke into a smile.
“Feng Qi.”
Those two softly spoken words struck Feng Qi like a thunderclap, as if something had slammed hard against his chest. His gaze darkened instantly.
Ji Chaoyun seemed immensely pleased that he had managed to distinguish between the two of them.
He kept repeating his name. “Feng Qi. It’s Feng Qi... You must be Feng Qi. I know it’s you...”
Feng Qi closed his eyes.
Reason told him to stop Ji Chaoyun from continuing, yet he did not move. He did not even loosen the hand holding Ji Chaoyun’s chin.
His thumb brushed lightly over the other’s lips. The dark emotions he had always hidden so well gradually surfaced in his eyes. His voice was low and hoarse, though still exceedingly gentle. “Since you know it’s me, why aren’t you pushing me away? Aren’t you afraid I’ll do something to you?”
Ji Chaoyun at him in confusion.
He was far too drunk to understand what Feng Qi meant.
“Why would I push you away?”
“Because... if you don’t push me away, I won’t be able to stop myself from wanting to kiss you.”
The crisp scent of wine lingered around them, and even the air seemed to slowly grow warmer.
After a long moment, Ji Chaoyun parted his lips, but before he could say anything, Feng Qi lowered his head and kissed him.
To hell with being an upstanding gentleman.
☁︎₊˚⊹ The Author’s Jade-Slip Aside ⊹˚₊☁︎
Feng Qi: Upstanding gentleman, my ass. Today, I’m kissing this little charmer until he cries!!!
Little Dragon: ...This phoenix is so jealous of himself he’s practically lost his mind. Drag him away. 【shakes head】
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