Chapter 79: Yu Fan, are you breaking up with me?
Yu Fan had lived alone for six years, pretty much ascetic. The dull grind of his days kept him pinned down. He had not been impulsive in a long time.
He sat quietly on the couch and took a long while to push the heat in his chest back down. After he got up, he put another little potted plant on the shoe cabinet, then went upstairs to catch up on sleep.
Rainy weekend weather is made for sleeping. Wrapped in the cool air and the sound of rain, Yu Fan drifted for hours, dreaming of his high school classroom, that creepy lab building, Chen Jingshen’s room…
He woke to the dark. Lying flat, staring at the black ceiling while that stifling heat crept back, he felt not quite right.
Right after waking, defenses are thin. He wrestled with himself for ten seconds, then threw an arm over his eyes and, giving up on dignity, slid his other hand under the blanket.
When he cleaned his hand and flopped face down like a dead fish, his phone buzzed. It was a photo from Wang Lu’an of his dinner.
Yu Fan swiped and replied, “If you are that bored go farm,” and was about to set the phone down when he saw a new friend request.
[s: I am Chen Jingshen.]
Yu Fan’s nerves jumped. Remembering what he had just done, his ears went hot with a roar.
Chen Jingshen’s avatar was the same as always, that Doberman. For a second Yu Fan felt dazed. He tapped into the Moments page by habit. Nothing there, just that familiar green shady wall.
The phone buzzed in his palm and he came back to his senses. What was Chen Jingshen playing at? Looking for trouble? He had been in a fog earlier and let him get away. Now he dared to add him.
Yu Fan hit “decline,” tossed the phone aside, and went downstairs to shower.
When he came back up there was another request: [I am Chen Jingshen.]
Yu Fan paused, then realized the routine felt familiar.
He remembered late that Chen Jingshen used to bombard him like this too. Yu Fan’s face went cold. He did not even bother declining this time. He let the request sit there and kept toweling his hair.
He could excuse six years ago. But Chen Jingshen had a boyfriend now. And he was still trying the same trick.
You cannot step in the same river twice. If he fell for it again he was a dog.
On Monday, Wang Yue noticed the kid at her studio was off.
First: “Why the mask?”
Yu Fan’s lips had two raw spots from being kissed, and they still had not healed after a weekend. They did not hurt, but they were not fit for public viewing. Typing replies to a client, he said, “Looks cool.”
“…”
Then, Wang Yue lined up raw shots and retouched shots and frowned. “Why does your high school classmate look shorter in your edits?”
“He is short,” Yu Fan said.
“No way. I saw him the other day, he has to be at least 185. And his face looks rounder in the edit, even his shoes look shorter…”
All done to Chen Jingshen’s own specifications. Yu Fan could not be bothered to explain. Stone faced, he said, “He looks bad on camera.”
“…”
“Who is?” Over lunch, Wang Yue asked again.
This time Yu Fan reacted. He choked on his food and bent over coughing.
Wang Yue hurried to hand him water. He took it but did not drink, ears red as he asked, “How do you know him?”
She had known Yu Fan for a long time and had never seen him react like this. She blinked. “I went downstairs three times this morning. Every time I saw you staring at the same friend request. Not accepting, not declining.”
“…”
Yu Fan froze with his chopsticks. Calling him a “friend” was weird if the request never went through. “Enemy” did not fit either. “Ex-boyfriend”…
He shoveled a bite of rice and muttered, “No one.”
That day the newlyweds came to pick up their photos. The bride was pleased, the groom even more so. When he saw Chen Jingshen looked shorter than him in the pictures, he pressed a wedding-pack cigarette into Yu Fan’s hand before leaving. “Thanks for the overtime, brother.”
“No need.” Yu Fan hesitated, then asked, “Could you do me a favor instead?”
The man jumped at the opening, his smile drawing in. “Go ahead.”
“This.” Yu Fan handed him a bag. “If it is not trouble, could you return this to Chen Jingshen for me?”
The man blinked. Chen Jingshen lending clothes to someone? Back in college he had thought Chen Jingshen was borderline obsessive. When they hung laundry he kept his clothes far from theirs.
He looked down and saw it was indeed the coat Chen Jingshen had worn that day. “You two know each other?”
“High school classmates.”
The man raised his brows in surprise. He felt there was more there but could not name it. “I want to help, but it is awkward. I am heading to my wife’s hometown tomorrow for a second banquet and will not go back to Nancheng. Maybe mail it to him?”
Yu Fan’s hand stalled, then he said, “Alright. Do you know his address? It was so rushed that day I did not get his contact.”
The man tore off a note and wrote down the address. Yu Fan watched the pen tip, clenching and unclenching. After a few times he heard himself ask, “I heard him say he has a partner. From your university?”
“No, from out of town.” Having been scolded by his wife the other day, the man did not dare say more. He kept it vague. “I don’t know the details. He started dating when he first enrolled. You probably know better than me.”
They left with the photos after passing along the address.
Yu Fan sat at his desk, right hand retouching photos and left hand gripping the slip of paper. He scrunched it into a ball, then smoothed it out, over and over.
Dating from the start of freshman year? When did that begin? During senior year, or after graduation?
With who? Someone from Class One? Miao Chen? Or another fierce, study-averse, delinquent type…
He opened Wang Lu’an’s chat, wanting to ask how Chen Jingshen had been in senior year and who he was close to. Each time he typed, he deleted it.
What would be the point. As long as Chen Jingshen had not been cheating, it had nothing to do with him.
When Wang Yue came downstairs, she found Yu Fan propped on his elbow, absently raking his hair.
“What are you doing? It is eight and you are still here,” Wang Yue said. “Pack up, let’s go eat.”
Yu Fan said, “Photos are not finished.”
“Finish them tomorrow. Come eat with me, then we are going to a bar.” Wang Yue sprayed perfume on her wrist. “I asked some sisters out. Come sit guard for us.”
This was not Yu Fan’s first time at this. A few years back, Wang Yue and a friend ran into trouble outside a bar. Tipsy, she misdialed and called him. He heard the noise, grabbed a steel pipe, rushed over, and scared the creeps off.
Since then, whenever Wang Yue went drinking without male friends, she liked to bring Yu Fan. One, to deter. Two, to watch the bags.
Yu Fan usually acted unwilling but went anyway. Every time he sat in the booth arms crossed, glaring down anyone who tried to chat. Like the King of Hell had taken a seat. The effect was perfect.
But today was different.
The first time Wang Yue came off the dance floor, she saw Yu Fan drinking. Watching the way he was tipping it back, she said, “Fan, I do not mind you drinking. I am just afraid if you get drunk no one can carry you home.”
Yu Fan said, “Relax. I won’t get drunk.”
The second time she came back, Yu Fan had just drunk a guy who tried to hit on him into puking.
The third time, Yu Fan raised a hand and ordered another round, then told her coolly that he would pay for it.
In the end, Wang Yue cut him off anyway. He could clearly hold his liquor, but his stomach was bad. She did not want an ER run.
At one in the morning, they left the bar. Yu Fan watched Wang Yue and the others get into their cars and memorized the plates, then called a cab.
The typhoon had brushed Ningcheng and the rain had been falling on and off. The wind was strong. The driver dropped him right at the apartment entrance.
Yu Fan paid, rode the elevator up, then leaned against the wall to steady himself. It had been a long time since he drank that much. He was not wasted, but the buzz made his head swim.
Ding. The doors slid open. He lifted his head and saw someone standing in the narrow, dim corridor.
The person was right by his door, not on the phone, just leaning against the wall. The motion sensor light was off. The wind and rain had dampened the floor. Darkness wrapped the figure so tight you could not see any features. Yu Fan blinked and the contours filled themselves in his head.
What a stupid habit.
He swallowed, mouth full of dryness and alcohol.
He went over and brought up the keypad. The light came on, washing over Chen Jingshen’s gray hoodie, soaked dark in patches.
He had waited a long time. As Yu Fan opened up, Chen Jingshen smelled the alcohol and perfume clinging to him. His hand moved by his side. He tilted his head. “You drank?”
Yu Fan did not answer. He stepped inside. Chen Jingshen had just straightened when the door slammed in his face.
“…”
He stared at the closed door for a while, then silently leaned back against the wall. He brushed water from his clothes, lifted his head, and kept waiting.
His phone rang. He picked up.
His grandmother chattered on for a long time. “You know what your mother is like. Why did you bring up that boy now? Your mother has accepted your situation. She just wants you to find someone excellent…”
“Nothing else,” Chen Jingshen said. “On this, whether she agrees or not does not matter to me, Grandma.”
Worn out, the old woman hung up. Chen Jingshen stuffed the phone into his pocket and went on waiting.
The rain grew heavier. The slanting drops came faster. Neighbors stared as they passed, some asked if he wanted an umbrella. He shook his head.
About half an hour later, there was a click. The door opened.
The person inside opened it and walked away. Chen Jingshen stepped in. A bath towel came flying at him.
He caught it. Yu Fan had just showered. He sat on the couch toweling his hair and thumbing his phone. His voice was cold. “Dry off and get out.”
He meant to sleep. Only the bathroom light and the phone lit the room.
Chen Jingshen reached back and locked the door. He draped the towel over his head, rubbed it around, and walked over. “Can I stay a bit? I have nowhere to go.”
“Did every hotel in Ningcheng shut down?”
“Couldn’t book one,” Chen Jingshen said.
“Then why are you here?”
“To find you.”
Yu Fan’s bored finger froze on the screen.
When he was sober, he could manage civility. Now whatever patience and adult polish he had was washed thin by alcohol.
Silence held for a while. Yu Fan lifted his face. The glow from the phone made him look pale. Without expression, he stated, “Chen Jingshen, you have a boyfriend now.”
Chen Jingshen paused mid rub and looked down at him.
Yu Fan saw he did not speak, so he added, “I heard it from your friend.”
After a long stare, Chen Jingshen said, “Yeah.”
Yu Fan was a bomb stuck between ticking and blast. That one syllable was a spark. Anger and sourness rushed his chest. He threw down the phone and stood up, grabbed Chen Jingshen’s collar with a stormy face. “Then why the hell are you here? Playing me?”
He could not name what he felt. He wanted to curse, wanted to swing. He could not bear to. He was hurt. He wanted to ask when it started. Right after we ended? Do you like him more than me? But he had left on his own. He had no standing to ask. Around and around he could only land on, are you messing with me?
Chen Jingshen let him hold on and said nothing, only looked at him. Being looked at made Yu Fan feel worse. His grip tightened. “You—”
“What about you,” Chen Jingshen said.
Yu Fan froze. “What?”
“Why did you leave?”
The one question hit him in place. Yu Fan’s fingers went stiff as Chen Jingshen asked, hoarse and slow, “Why did you say nothing. Why delete me too. Why never come back. These years, did you like anyone else, were you with anyone else.”
The whitewash flaked away, and the mottled, rotten past showed through.
Yu Fan stood mute for a long time before finding his voice. “No. And no reason.”
Forget it. He slowly let go, turned his face away. “Throw the towel on the couch when you are done. Close the—”
Before he could finish, his arm was seized. He was shoved down onto the couch. Chen Jingshen planted one knee between his legs, one hand on his shoulder, the other at his neck, pinning him down hard.
Yu Fan had not seen it coming and jolted. He tried to kick him off, struggled to get up, and could not budge him at all. “Chen Jingshen, you—”
“Are you really doing well?” Chen Jingshen asked.
“…”
“Then why is there no one beside you. Why are you thinner. Why do you have so much medicine at home.”
“…”
“The people here have heavy accents. A lot of shops speak dialect. When you came, could you understand them?”
Yu Fan’s fight ebbed away little by little. In the end he clutched Chen Jingshen’s collar in a death grip and stopped moving. Jaw tight, eyes averted, he said flatly, “None of your business.”
Chen Jingshen caught his chin and turned him back, eyes dropping to his.
They stared at each other. With no light on, their eyes were the brightest things they could see.
The ends of Chen Jingshen’s hair were still damp. After a long time he said softly, “I do have a boyfriend.”
Yu Fan’s heart jerked so hard he could not even feel pain.
“We have been together more than six years.”
Seamless. Yu Fan thought numbly.
“He is adorable, he works hard, he is good. We agreed to go to the same city for college and rent a place together. He said he liked me and wanted to run away with me. Then he left by himself.”
Yu Fan’s clenched teeth loosened. He tipped his head back and stared at Chen Jingshen in a daze.
“He went cold. He disappeared without a word. He ran far,” Chen Jingshen said. “He has been gone six years.”
“The last time we met before he left, he did not say anything. He just kissed me. I did not know what that meant.”
Heat flooded Yu Fan’s eyes. He opened his mouth but no sound came. He only felt the cool of Chen Jingshen’s fingers slowly closing around his neck, and his voice, like rain drifting in from outside the door.
“Now answer me,” Chen Jingshen said. “Yu Fan, are you breaking up with me?”
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