Chapter 42: Have You Ever Kissed Anyone?
For a split second, Yu Fan felt his whole body go tingling-numb.
He could feel Chen Jingshen’s fingers tugging and rubbing through his hair. Those long, slender fingers were warm, kneading something hotter than summer right into his head.
Yu Fan stared into those dark eyes, forcing his face to stay blank. It took him several seconds to grind out a voice. “Who… cares what you like? I’m cutting it.”
Chen Jingshen glanced at his face, which was redder than the roses in the school flowerbed, raised his brows, and said nothing.
Yu Fan felt that was not enough. “I’m cutting it tonight.”
Chen Jingshen pressed his lips together.
“I’ll shave it all off…” Yu Fan had just finished when a familiar premonition crawled up his spine. He frowned and said, evenly and without feeling, “Chen Jingshen, are you about to laugh again, the f***.”
“No.” Chen Jingshen withdrew his hand and ducked his head to his phone in a rush, so low Yu Fan could only see half his profile.
With his hair released, the heavy air slipped back in and even that felt cool.
The hollow sensation lasted one second. Then Yu Fan shot to a half-stand, leaned in, looped an arm around Chen Jingshen’s neck, and caught his jaw in his palm to twist his face over.
Chen Jingshen dodged once, so Yu Fan did not get him the first time. Then Chen Jingshen’s resistance went slack. He let Yu Fan turn his face.
Still want to claim you were not laughing?
“I held back over video the last few times, so you figured I’d never lay hands on you, right?” Yu Fan pinched his face from below and snarled, “What are you laughing at?”
Chen Jingshen’s mouth was pulled down, his expression for once lively. “I pictured you bald.”
“Right.” Yu Fan’s arm around his neck tightened. “Once I shave it, you can laugh your head off by my side. You are not allowed to stop until the end of the day…”
“And,” Chen Jingshen lifted his lids to look at him, eyes smiling, “Yu Fan, your neck is very red.”
“…”
They were too close, faces nearly touching. Each word Chen Jingshen spoke brushed a faint breath along Yu Fan’s jaw.
“I look like this when I’m mad.” After a beat, with his neck and ears and cheeks all burning, Yu Fan said flatly, “I’m even redder when I fight. Want to see?”
Chen Jingshen blinked, silent, looking a little tempted. A few seconds later he moved his lips.
Yu Fan ground out, “Say you don’t.”
Chen Jingshen said, “I don’t.”
Yu Fan let him go, sat back with heat prickling under his skin, and took a long pull of mung bean ice.
Whatever. If you want to laugh, laugh. I just will not look.
Chen Jingshen closed the game and tipped his chin at Yu Fan’s collar. “Why are your buttons done up?”
Yu Fan remembered. No wonder it was so hot…
He briskly undid them one-handed. “It was cold before.”
His phone buzzed. He glanced at the screen. Zhang Xianjing had messaged to say their two rows were on cleaning duty and to get back and tidy the classroom.
“Parent-teacher conference is over. Everyone’s gone.” Yu Fan pocketed his phone, picked up the mineral water bottle he had been using as an ashtray, and bumped Chen Jingshen with his shoulder. “Back to class.”
They were late. Zhang Xianjing and Ke Ting had already washed the board and windows and headed home. Only the floors were left.
Yu Fan tossed the broom to Chen Jingshen. “You sweep. I’ll rinse the mop.”
They moved quickly. Only the back corridor remained.
Each with a tool in hand, they drifted toward the corridor. Yu Fan had just stepped over the threshold when a whisper drifted from nearby.
“I didn’t think she’d read my diary… ugh… what if my mom forces me to break up with you?” a girl sniffled.
“It’s fine. Even if your mom, your dad, the teachers… even if the whole world tries to keep us apart, as long as we like each other, no one can split us up… don’t cry,” a boy murmured.
Yu Fan lifted a brow. That boy’s voice sounded familiar.
He turned and saw Zhu Xu’s broad back, the kind that belonged to the sports team.
At the very end of the corridor, Zhu Xu had his deskmate backed into the dead corner. The freshly caught early-dating duo were stuck together, taking advantage of the empty hall.
The sun was sinking. In that honeyed light they whispered a while. Zhu Xu’s head dipped lower and lower. Yu Fan had not even backed out yet before they were kissing, bodies overlapped, Zhu Xu’s head slanted and his hand pressing at her waist.
Both of the boys in the classroom tensed their grips on broom and mop.
Yu Fan snapped back and was just about to shove Chen Jingshen out to finish the job when the person behind him grabbed his shirt first and yanked him back. Yu Fan lost his footing and bumped into Chen Jingshen, and the two of them retreated into the classroom.
A car horn sounded below, masking the noises in the corridor. No movement. They were still kissing.
The classroom was even quieter than outside.
Feeling Chen Jingshen’s eyes, Yu Fan’s fingers curled. He did not turn around. A baseless nervousness climbed up his chest, which made no sense since they had been closer on the stairs earlier.
After a while, he turned and pushed Chen Jingshen toward the aisle without looking at him, voice low. “Let’s go.”
“The hallway, not sweeping?” Chen Jingshen looked out.
“No.” Yu Fan tugged him. “…Let’s go home.”
—
That night, Yu Fan saw Zhu Xu wailing in the group chat about getting caught dating.
[Zhu Xu: Anyway we already made a pact. No one will stop our love!]
How about your love stops getting in other people’s way?
Yu Fan typed it, then deleted it. Forget it. Post that and they would argue forever.
A little past nine, he waited and waited. No video invite. He left the chat and tapped a certain avatar, sending a single question mark.
Chen Jingshen quickly replied with his own question mark.
Yu Fan had nothing to do, so he just called.
Chen Jingshen took a long moment to pick up. He was slouched in his chair, lazier than usual, and asked, “What’s up?”
“No lesson tonight?” Yu Fan said.
“I want to, but…” Chen Jingshen paused. “You did not notice something missing?”
Yu Fan blinked. “Missing what?”
“I left too fast this afternoon. I forgot my bag.”
“…”
Thinking of why they left so fast, Yu Fan’s fingers tightened without thinking. He squeezed too hard. His phone slipped and slapped onto the desk.
F***.
He scooped it up and said blankly, “Oh. Then I’m hanging up.”
“Talk a bit,” Chen Jingshen said.
“…”
What do two guys have to talk about at night? Couldn’t we talk in the day when we sit together?
A door opened somewhere outside Yu Fan’s room. He glanced that way and carried the phone to the balcony.
On the screen, the night scene swayed as he moved. “Your family is home?” Chen Jingshen asked.
“Yeah.” Yu Fan propped a hand on the railing and hopped onto the sill like he always did.
Suddenly he thought of something to say.
He lifted the phone. “Chen Jingshen, show me your room.”
Chen Jingshen actually hesitated, which was rare for him. Then he switched to the rear camera and slowly revolved in his swivel chair.
His room looked like his desk. Clean, orderly, cool tones. The space was about the size of Yu Fan’s living room.
Yu Fan looked around and leaned his back against the security bars. “Raise it higher.”
A tiny pause. The phone tilted up.
He saw exactly what he wanted. He narrowed his eyes and asked though he already knew. “Hold on. What’s that black cloth on your wall?”
The camera switched back at once. Chen Jingshen’s face was calm. “A camera.”
“Why do you have that in your room?” Yu Fan asked. “Isn’t that awkward?”
“I’m used to it. I cover it with cloth.”
“You can’t hear anything?”
“Mm. There’s no microphone.”
That was something.
So maybe Chen Jingshen was not as timid or as caged as he had thought. The cloth was set just right, the work of long practice.
Yu Fan let out a breath he had not realized he was holding. “Oh.”
He had asked what he wanted. “We’re done. I’m hang—”
“Yu Fan.” His name came softly through the earphones. “Have you dated before?”
“…”
Yu Fan’s knees drew up. The features that had just relaxed tightened again.
He had been a delinquent since eighth grade, and he had done the fighting and smoking and drinking. Early romance though, that one teenage rebellion never stuck to him.
For one reason. Whenever anyone confessed to him, he blushed. It did not matter when or who.
Could he admit that? No.
“Of course. Lots of times,” Yu Fan said, stiff-backed. Then he forced out an extra line. “With girls.”
“Really?” Chen Jingshen’s lids drooped, unreadable. “Ms. Zhuang said you never dated.”
“How is that possible? I have dated… three since primary school…” Yu Fan stalled.
Even for a lie, thirty was a bit much.
“Thirteen.” He kept his face blank. “Never got caught.”
“In primary school? What grade?” Chen Jingshen asked.
This is how one lie breeds a nest of lies.
Yu Fan wanted a smoke. His fingers brushed the pack, and then he remembered Zhu Xu’s chat the other day… so he held back.
His gaze drifted while he spun the story, caught on the award posted on his wall, and inspiration struck.
“Fourth grade. At summer camp,” Yu Fan said. “That camp you saw on the certificate, the Fei-something one. Remember? I got a prize. For being helpful.”
“…”
Yu Fan did not notice how Chen Jingshen’s expression turned complicated. He kept going. “The one I helped was my first girlfriend.”
“…”
Silence drew out. After a long moment Yu Fan frowned. “Are you listening?”
“I am.” At last Chen Jingshen spoke. “How long did you date, and what kind of… little schoolgirl was she.”
“Why do you have so many questions?”
The truth was he barely remembered.
Too much had happened at home. Everything before seventh grade was blurred. Or rather, he refused to remember it.
There had been someone in his life. After that person left, he started to avoid thinking about anyone or anything from before.
Staring at the certificate, he pulled up the faintest outline. “A crybaby,” Yu Fan said. “It was too long ago. I don’t really remember.”
“I see.”
The story finished, Yu Fan let out a breath and was about to lean back against the bars again when—
“Have you ever kissed anyone?”
“…”
The metal seemed to spark. Yu Fan jerked upright at a touch.
Thirteen girlfriends and never kissed would not fly.
He blinked ten times, then forced out a syllable. “…Yeah.”
“With that little schoolgirl too?” Chen Jingshen lifted a brow.
As if. What would a primary schooler know.
But Yu Fan really did not want to fabricate another relationship, so he braced and said, “…Yeah.”
Chen Jingshen bent a finger to his nose. “So small… how did you kiss?”
“How the hell do you think? Hard. Till your lips hurt…” Yu Fan shut his eyes, ran out of steam, and snapped, “Why are you even asking?”
A quiet moment. Then honesty. “I have never kissed anyone. I was curious.”
As if that needed confirming. Nerd.
Yu Fan had lied so hard he almost believed himself. He even looked at Chen Jingshen with the condescension of a veteran for a rookie. The longer he looked, the lower his gaze sank.
Chen Jingshen’s nose was high. When he had hooked an arm around his neck that afternoon he had almost bumped it. His lips were thin, lines a little cold. Kissing them probably would not feel… What is wrong with me?
Startled by the thought, Yu Fan froze even harder than he had while lying.
His phone dinged. Wang Lu’an asked him to play.
The mouth he had been staring at parted to speak. Before a sound came out, Yu Fan cut the video in a panic.
[s]: ?
[s]: How did you two break up?
Yu Fan wiped his face, grabbed his cigarette pack, and did not call back until he had calmed down after one smoke.
[-]: It was a heartbreak. Why keep asking?
[-]: I’m going to game. Text again and I’ll block you.
He played seriously for once, battling with his brothers till two in the morning.
Which meant that as soon as he put down his phone and his head hit the pillow, he crashed.
For the past few years Yu Fan had dreamed almost every night.
Aside from the bizarre ones, the rest were all of a kind, the only difference being whether he won the fight or lost it. Some were memories. Some were made up.
Until a few months ago, either he died in the dream, or Yu Kaiming did. He woke from that stretch needing long minutes to tell if he was awake or out of his body.
After the new term began, those dreams slowly faded. He started dreaming simple ones he could understand.
Like tonight.
He dreamed of the lab building staircase. Chen Jingshen sat on a step, head down, trying not to laugh, and Yu Fan leaned over, arm around his neck, forcing him to look up.
Chen Jingshen let him push and the moment he lifted his face he lifted a hand, slid into Yu Fan’s hair, and pressed him down.
He rubbed his cheek. Then his nose. Last he found Yu Fan’s mouth.
Early the next morning.
The moment Chen Jingshen entered the classroom he felt someone glaring daggers at him.
He looked over and saw his deskmate throw the long-lost uniform jacket over his desk and drop his head under it.
Chen Jingshen sat, knocked on the edge of the other desk. “Did you have breakfast?”
No reply.
After a bit, he slid over the homework he had rushed to finish. “Get up and copy.”
No reply.
When it was almost time for morning reading, Zuo Kuan wandered in from next door, yawning. He was too sleepy and wanted to drag them out for a smoke before class.
“Shh. Keep it down,” Wang Lu’an said. “We’ll go. Yu Fan is asleep…”
Right as he said it, Yu Fan shot up, shoved a cigarette into his pocket without a word, and stood.
Normally he would kick Chen Jingshen’s chair to make room. Today he turned right without looking back, planted a foot on the seat, vaulted out the window, and stalked toward the bathroom.
Wang Lu’an and Zuo Kuan: “?”
Chen Jingshen: “…”
Got it. Not asleep. Ignoring me.
Ten minutes later, morning reading began.
While the Chinese class rep was asking the teacher what passage to read, Chen Jingshen stretched his arm over and brushed Yu Fan’s sleeve.
Yu Fan yanked his arm back so fast it was a blur.
Chen Jingshen: “…”
He held his pen against the desk and turned his head. “Did I piss you off?”
His deskmate did not move. Eyes on the text, voice cool. “No.”
Chen Jingshen glanced at his burning red ears. “Then why are you mad at me first thing in the morning?”
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