072: Golden Human, Iron Rice Bowl
Of course, this translation was done by Cat Teacher himself, the little orange cat who could be a Cat God even back in the Kingdom of Cats.
Humans were being overwhelmed by how cute their cats’ thoughts were, and they were also completely stunned by Sang Zhao’s “translation” skills.
What was going on? Weren’t pet communicators supposed to say things like “maybe,” “it seems like,” “it’s possible that,” and never actually commit, just wildly praising the cat and giving the owner lots of emotional value?
How come, when this orange-fur pretty boy became a pet communicator, everything came out as a straightforward conclusion? And every single thing he said made perfect sense.
The owner thought back on it and realized he was actually right.
After her kitty had been sad for a while at the beginning, it had started behaving… weirdly flattering.
Before, if she called it, it was considered a good mood if it even flicked its tail. Now if she called it once, it would tap-tap-tap over in a perfect catwalk.
One call, one arrival. One call, one arrival. It hardly scratched or kicked at humans anymore, it was very eager to please, and it kept trailing after her, spying on her.
Wherever the human walked, the cat followed, trying to hide its plain white bread body behind any cover it could find.
She’d thought the cat just really loved her. Turned out, it had been secretly studying her hunting skills.
It knew it couldn’t conquer the world with its looks anymore, so it had decided to learn all of the human’s hunting techniques instead.
She left the house every day to go to work, to be her boss’s wage donkey. Even grass-eating donkeys don’t get much grass, so how was she supposed to teach this cat any real hunting skills?
Once she heard Sang Zhao’s “scatter freeze-dried treats” method, she felt it really might work.
Seeing she wanted to learn, Sang Zhao explained more.
“For example, you can keep a bag of freeze-dried treats in your bag every day. When you get home from work, toss one to her as soon as you walk through the door. That way she’ll understand that when you come back, it means you’ve returned from hunting.”
“You can also hold it in your hand instead of giving it right away. Let her sniff your hand first and only give it to her after she’s sniffed for a while. In her mind, it’ll feel like prey she’s personally caught. It’s a second round of hunting. Cat and human will both be happy.”
The owner was already grabbing a pen and scribbling notes on a napkin.
“Does your job ever send you on business trips?” Sang Zhao asked. “If you’re gone for three to five days, when you come back, you can stop by the supermarket and buy a nice big fish on the way home.”
He felt like he was teaching humans how to keep cats properly. Teaching humans how to boost their cats’ happiness levels. Truly a great Cat God, of immense benefit to present and future generations.
“When you get home, toss the fish on the ground where she can see it. Then she’ll understand that you disappeared for longer because you went out to hunt a big animal. Next time you’re away on business, she won’t feel so anxious. Instead, she’ll be on guard for you, guarding the territory and doing patrol rounds every day, busy as anything.”
From the start of the call until now, the owner hadn’t been able to put her “enlightened” expression away. She looked like her entire worldview had just expanded.
What she liked the most was that first little trick he’d taught her, hiding freeze-dried treats and carrying out “hunts” with the cat.
It felt like something she could turn into a daily routine at home, a brand-new type of cat game.
Still, she had some doubts.
“If I do this with her for two months, what happens after that?”
Wouldn’t the cat get tired of the game eventually, decide it had learned “real hunting skills,” then head off to roam the world as a vigilante Cat Hero?
One look at her face and Sang Zhao knew exactly what she was thinking.
He said honestly, “Oh, she won’t run off.”
“After she thinks she’s learned everything, she won’t be thinking about it anymore.” He looked at the white cat on the screen, at its cheeks so plump they were spilling joy, and said, “Once she’s ‘finished learning,’ she’ll never actually hunt for herself. As long as a human is putting food in her mouth, she’ll just eat what’s given.”
Talking about this was like copying answers straight from the key during exams. In his mind, there was no way to get this wrong, not even a little. It was one hundred percent the right answer. Wow, he’d never been so confident doing test questions in his life.
He even gave the owner his personal guarantee.
“Don’t worry about her finishing her training and running off to wander the world. We cats are lazy. Being a pet cat is our first choice.”
On the street, when they throw themselves dramatically at some soft-hearted god, humans always think they just got lucky. “Haha, what a stroke of fortune!” Such naive humans. Things are not that simple.
The cat has been observing you for a long time. Long before you ever noticed them, they were quietly assessing you.
What? You say you’ve never been to that street before and only showed up there by coincidence, so finding a cat there must also be a coincidence?
Human, you really underestimate the speed of the orange cats’ “Orange Network” and the tortoiseshells’ “Pretty Cat Strategy.” News spreads fast among cats. As long as you’re a genuinely kind person, at least three or four cats know about it.
So how could the cat who gets there first and claims you not become a pet cat? Being a pet cat means a permanent position. It’s a guaranteed job for life.
Sang Zhao told the owner to relax, to really relax, to relax so much she could place every kind of “heart” into her chest, pig heart, beef heart, all of them. Her cat would definitely not abandon her.
Especially since her cat was a white cat. If it left her, what was it going to do, go door to door selling dish soap?
It was counting on her hunting and sharing its meals.
As soon as he finished, the owner burst out laughing.
“Hahahaha, Teacher, you’re so cute. You keep saying ‘we cats’ like you’re also a cat.”
“…”
Being a cat pretending to be human really wasn’t easy. The more he talked, the more holes appeared.
What was he, a fishing net? Or a strainer? Why was he full of holes?
He laughed along for a bit, then saw the white cat start pawing at the camera. The cat was unbelievably curious about him. If curiosity could be counted like money, it could’ve made its owner the richest person in the country. It clearly needed to figure out what was up with this orange cat.
Clearing his throat, he put on a reliable adult expression and said a few more closing words to the owner, then hurriedly ended the call.
It was a bit abrupt, and the session had been shorter than what other communicators might offer, but the owner was very satisfied.
One sentence had pierced the cat’s heart. One line had cracked through that stubborn tsundere shell. A cross-species translator who could nail it in a few minutes, this Teacher was a true genius.
She happily went off to write a review, planning to recommend this orange-fur Teacher to all her cat-owning friends once he started charging.
The white cat, who’d now be hunting freeze-dried treats in the bedroom and living room alongside its “cat god” owner, was also very satisfied.
As for Sang Zhao, he was more than satisfied.
The call had ended quickly, and he hadn’t said as much as other communicators might, but overall, it had gone great.
He was very proud of himself. So proud that even after the video ended, he was still strutting around the room with his chest puffed out like a honey-glazed turkey.
Then he turned back into a little orange cat and bounded around the room like a bouncing kumquat.
To him, this was easy. It felt like Heaven had personally delivered a rice bowl into his paws.
One look at a cat’s coloring, eyes, and movements and he could guess what it was thinking.
Because their brains were only so big. They didn’t have that many things to think about.
Tabbies spent most of their brainpower thinking about their vassals, their prey, and their territory. Cow cats were more boisterous and liked playing vigilante hero. Calicos and tortoiseshells admired their own beauty, always wanting to groom their fur more.
The “Americans” and “Brits,” those foreign-breed cats, were greedy and lazy. Give them a freeze-dried treat two days ago, and they’d still be thinking about it this afternoon.
Siamese cats loved worrying about things. In their minds, the human was the boss of the house, and they were the second-in-command, responsible for the management of all living beings.
Orange cats were even simpler. Their whole brain was basically just one line: what’s going on, it’s already been three minutes, and no one’s fed the cat yet, are they trying to starve the cat?
He took a few free cases, and every single one got glowing reviews. In their writeups, clients said he was spot on and the service was great.
He didn’t just analyze what their cats were thinking. He also gave concrete suggestions and methods for them to try at home, so they could get along even better with their pets.
And when they did what he suggested, their cats really did become much more affectionate.
So in their reviews, aside from thanking him, they were all shouting about how magical it was.
Once he started charging, business exploded. There were cats waiting for him everywhere.
By helping cats and humans communicate, he officially became a feline translator.
Sure, he didn’t know English or Spanish, and he’d never taken a written or oral interpreter’s exam. But he was now working in the translation field, and he was pretty busy, too.
Sometimes he had to schedule several sessions in the same evening.
When he was working at night, Ye Ye would sometimes show up to scrounge some snacks or bring something for him to eat.
If the client happened to have a dog, Ye Ye would squeeze into the frame to stick his nose into the fun.
He didn’t translate for dogs. He just said cute things to keep clients happy.
“Auntie, your dog is so cute!”
“Bro, your dog is so impressive! What? He’s a retired police dog? That’s amazing!”
“Jie, why is your Samoyed gray? So strong, a gray Samoyed. When we pull sleds, we get dirty and—mmph?!”
Before he could finish, Sang Zhao clamped a hand over his mouth and hauled him away by the scruff.
“Sorry, I’ll deal with him,” he said to the owners.
They didn’t mind at all. They had both cats and dogs and an extremely blessed life. They’d just gotten a cat reading and heard a kid gush over their dog.
The little boy looked like he was seven or eight at most, maybe nine. A nine-year-old, how could he lie? If he said their dog was cute, then what did that prove? It proved their dog really was cute and really was being raised well.
Ye Ye loved sticking his head into things, but there was no way he could become a dog communicator.
Because whatever dogs were thinking was basically already written on their faces.
Dogs weren’t as hard to read as cats. Dogs loved humans with their wildly wagging tails, with their damp noses, with their warm paws.
When a dog jumped up and danced around a human’s legs, humans might wonder what was going on in that furry head.
Most likely it was… all kinds of sticky, fluffy, soft and sweet doggie thoughts.
Anyway, business was getting easier and easier for Sang Zhao.
Offline, he had a door-to-door cat-bathing team. Online, he had his cat-translation gig. Somehow, he was actually starting to make real money.
Pallas Cat was very patient and meticulous with his work. If they got a job bathing a Maine Coon, Sang Zhao would go along to help.
Pallas Cat had taken over his previous client base, so the big cat paid a cut of the money back to the little cat. While working, he also recommended Sang Zhao’s communication sessions to the owners, and Sang Zhao shared some of his income with him too.
Back and forth, their exact accounting was a total mystery to both of them, but they were clearly saving a decent amount.
By the time the National Day holiday rolled around, Sang Zhao had enough stashed away to take his human boyfriend and their little Ye Ye to Shanghai Disneyland.
It was a huge amusement park. The castle was gorgeous. To Sang Zhao, the sharp points looked like a crown. He happily lifted his phone, crouched down with Tang Yu, and wrapped an arm around Xia Moye as they took selfies.
Life had been pretty good when he’d been a cat, but he’d never gone to an amusement park.
Now that he was living as a human, he could go roam one to his heart’s content.
Tang Yu bought turkey legs for the two of them. He didn’t eat any, he’d tried turkey before and found it dry.
But the orange cat and the Samoyed obviously disagreed. They polished theirs off completely, and the little dog was gnawing on the bone, sharpening his teeth on it.
Sang Zhao snatched it away in a hurry, afraid that if he let him keep going, Ye Ye would bury the bone in the ground somewhere the second he got the chance.
They didn’t rush. They went on a few rides, watched the parade and shows, and every time they passed food stalls, they bought a little something to try.
Their childhoods hadn’t had any magical, fantasy-world surprises. They were catching up on all those stories now that they were human.
The characters from those fairy tales were walking right past them, and as Tang Yu watched them take photos with those characters, he felt like his fairytale was walking right next to him.
At night, fireworks bloomed above the castle, brilliant bursts sweeping across the sky before falling like tiny stars, sinking into the reflection in Sang Zhao’s eyes.
Watching the fireworks, he thought, being human is really nice.
After a full day of fun, on their way back to the hotel, he quietly started talking to Tang Yu.
“I’ve been seeing a lot of cats and their moms, and cats and their dads,” he said. “And thinking about my own stuff too, like how I didn’t want to tell my mom I was a cat yaoguai before… but I told you. All those things…”
Tang Yu was completely lost.
He had no idea what, exactly, he was talking about. What “things,” what “stuff”?
But the cat wasn’t trying to talk about specific events. He was trying to talk about the lesson inside them.
“I think I’ve figured out a little bit of something,” Sang Zhao said.
After seeing so many different ways cats and their humans got along, he finally understood that not all care and affection could be lumped together as “family love.”
Before, he’d tangled himself up, trying to lean on Tang Yu emotionally from every angle. He’d wanted Tang Yu to be an excellent boss, a patient supervisor, a reliable coworker, a gentle friend, an intimate lover, a kind mom…
You couldn’t ask one person for that many roles.
Tang Yu was just Tang Yu.
Looking at him, he gently squeezed Tang Yu’s wrist, then slid down to lace their fingers together.
“You’re not my mom. You’re not any kind of bean-bean mom. You’re just my human boyfriend,” he said, pulling the thread of love out from that whole tangled yarn ball of emotional dependence and carefully rolling it into a neat ball.
He still loved sticking to Tang Yu, but now the little cat’s heart had grown greedier.
“If humans really have souls, remember to keep yours stuck to the cat’s,” he said firmly. “You’re not allowed to separate from the cat.”
Once a human knew about cats, they weren’t allowed to run away. Cats weren’t pushovers.
Tang Yu brushed a thumb over his earlobe. Smiling, he said, “Okay.”
“If humans really have souls, then hollow out my heart and leave a little space where you can roll yourself up into a ball and curl up inside. My chest can be your nest.”
He said it, then sighed softly. “That way, the cat will grow into my heart.”
Satisfied, Sang Zhao nodded and kissed him.
Yes, that was it. Their souls could grow together with the cat.
—
When they got back from their Shanghai trip, it was already mid-October.
Every year, when Q4 came around, the company got busy. The number of things Tang Yu had to handle suddenly skyrocketed. Year-end events, final-quarter pushes, all kinds of things. Every day he was run ragged.
Working with An Tihu in the secretary office, Sang Zhao’s typing still wasn’t fast, but he’d gotten much more practiced. He didn’t have to draft announcements, but he could handle spreadsheets all on his own.
He’d finish a spreadsheet, convert it into an online document, and send it out to the departments to fill out and submit. Then he’d stare at his own work, at the size-2 heading, at the 12-point SimSun “No.” and “Date,” at the tidy table and centered alignment…
Rubbing his face, he thought, Wow. Even a little cat can make spreadsheets now. A cat’s spreadsheet looked no different from a human’s. There wasn’t an extra hint of “cat” anywhere. It looked perfectly normal. His “pretend to be human” career had leveled up again.
When he finished his work, he checked the time, then snuck into the CEO’s office to see Tang Yu.
Tang Yu was still busy, but he smiled when he came in. Even so, the smile wasn’t as relaxed as usual, a trace of exhaustion weighed on it. He held out a hand. “Let me hug you,” he said.
“I’m so busy.”
So the little cat went over, squeezed into the desk chair with him, wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and tucked his head into Tang Yu’s neck.
After holding him for a while, Tang Yu lifted his head and kissed the corner of his lips.
Sang Zhao nuzzled his chin with his nose, rested his palm at the back of his neck, fingers brushing against the little ponytail there, and traded a slow, lingering kiss with him.
When they finally drew apart, Tang Yu’s breathing was a little unsteady. Just as Sang Zhao was about to say something, they heard a noise outside.
“Why can’t I go in? You’re new, you don’t know who I am?”
“I saw a blond guy go in just now. He didn’t look like some big-shot client from a partner company. Why can he go in and I can’t?”
…
Sang Zhao was confused, but Tang Yu reacted instantly.
“That’s my dad,” he said. “He never tells me beforehand when he comes. He’s barely been here for half a year, and I thought he’d finally kicked that habit.”
Clearly, he hadn’t. If anything, he’d gotten worse.
As soon as he heard that, Sang Zhao straightened his collar and smoothed his shirt hem. “Then I’ll go say hi to Uncle.”
Tang Yu had already met his mom. Now he was going to meet Tang Yu’s dad. They were one of those couples who met each other’s parents really fast.
Tang Yu’s face had cooled, his expression serious and determined, his thoughts unknown, but he nodded solemnly.
He nodded, but the more the little cat thought about it, the more he felt it wasn’t right.
That previous meeting with his mom had been by chance, fine. But meeting Tang Yu’s dad would be different. They’d definitely be seeing each other again.
So he needed to leave a good impression on Uncle.
Thinking that, he hurriedly changed his mind. “No, I shouldn’t meet him yet. I’ve seen this online, you have to pick a good day, then buy cigarettes, wine, a fruit basket, health supplements, and then go visit.”
“If I just show up like this, it’ll make me look poor. But I’m not. I’ve saved quite a bit. I totally have enough to buy gifts,” he muttered.
Tang Yu laughed softly, his gaze warm and clear. Looking at him, he seemed like he could fall drunk on the spot.
“Okay,” he said gently.
So Sang Zhao turned back into a cat and sat upright on the carpet, waiting to at least get a look at Tang Yu’s dad.
He was just wondering what Yumidou’s father would be like when the man pushed the door open.
His hair was cut short. He wore a khaki dress shirt and dress pants, looking crisp and put-together.
“Where’s that guy who came in just now?” he asked as soon as he stepped inside. “Why don’t I see him?”
Tang Yu didn’t answer.
He didn’t need to. His dad clearly hadn’t been expecting an answer anyway. Lowering his gaze, he saw the cat.
“Ts. Why’s there a cat?” he said with obvious displeasure. “Is this a company or a farm? What are you doing keeping a cat here?”
Tang Yu stood, poured him a cup of tea, and while he was at it, picked up the cat and set him somewhere higher and safer.
“There are no cats in animal husbandry,” he said slowly. “Dad, have some tea.”
His dad clearly hadn’t come to drink tea. He didn’t want it and he wasn’t here for it.
“My former boss’s daughter is nice. You should get to know her. She doesn’t have a boyfriend.”
Tang Yu had actually met her at a partnership event.
“Did you see the little metal tag on her bag? That’s her boyfriend,” he said.
His dad frowned and stared at him. “You’ve got someone you like now? Don’t tell me it’s that An girl. I don’t like her, she looks too fierce.”
Tang Yu thought, she should be even fiercer. She should peck your head with her pelican beak.
“I’m busy,” he said vaguely.
Busy sleeping next to his cat. Busy helping raise a grade-school Samoyed and reliving the childhood he’d spent under nothing but pressure.
His dad took a sip of tea, then spat out a bit of tea leaf.
“I’m not forcing you. When have I ever forced you since you were a kid? You’ve got a little success now, and suddenly you’re arrogant? Your tail’s all up in the air?”
By the end, his tone had turned sharp.
Tang Yu’s expression didn’t change but Sang Zhao couldn’t listen to this anymore.
What was this? Where was Corn Bean being arrogant? Corn Bean was gentle to the point of ridiculousness. How was he “tail-up”?
Could Corn Bean even grow a tail to lift? This bad human clearly had no idea what a real lifted tail looked like.
The little cat jumped down from his safe perch, tail held high, and walked over. He circled once, then while the man was off guard, chomped him on the calf.
Dad jumped on the spot. “Ow!”
Tail held elegantly high, the cat gave a little shake.
Give a cat a foothold, and it can lift its tail and lift an entire sturdy dad clean off the ground with one bite.
Author’s Note:
Cat: Bad human, if you won’t drink the tea, then take a bite of good fruit: me.
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